How to share about your sexual health.
photo by Bianca Greene
There is nothing more terrifying for most of us than discussing sexual health with a new partner, or discussing what you like or don’t like with any partner. American culture creates so much shame around sex that most people would rather risk pregnancy, infection, their emotional safety, and physical enjoyment in order to not talk about it. I know this has been true for me. I endured so much discomfort in my teens, 20’s, and early 30’s in the name of keeping the other person — sometimes someone I barely knew and would never see again — from feeling the potential discomfort of hearing my wants and needs.
This is madness. Talking about our sexual health — and perhaps even more importantly, what we desire and need to feel safe around sex — can be simple, straightforward, and surprisingly fun and sexy.
There are several misconceptions I want to address that keep us from talking about sexual health and desires before we’re intimately involved.
The first is that talking about sex is unsexy because it kills the mood. It’s not talking about sex that kills the mood, it’s the SHAME we carry around sex. Our brain is our largest erogenous zone, and talking about sex is inherently sexy. Someone who initiates and knows what they want is sexy. Hearing people’s desires is sexy. And honesty is sexy. Sharing vulnerably about your body creates intimacy, which is a prerequisite for good sex.
There’s also a persistent myth in our society that we shouldn’t have to talk about anything relating to sex, and that a good partner will just “know” all of our preferences, desires, and our boundaries.
Nobody, no matter how experienced they are with other bodies, is going to know exactly what’s going on with YOUR body, or what you need. This puts enormous pressure on your lovers, and on ourselves. We’ve all experienced performance anxiety when we’re giving during sex, but often the tension of wondering if someone is going to get it right or respect our invisible and unspoken boundaries keeps us in our heads and inhibits us from fully relaxing and enjoying the experience.
Another one of the main misconceptions that keep us from discussing our sexual status is the belief that we have something to be ashamed of. When it comes to sex in this repressed, puritanical culture, we just can’t win.
Lots of sexual partners → Shameful.
No sexual partners → shameful.
Sex last night? Shameful.
No sex for a year? Shameful.
Straight/gay/bi/pan? Shameful. Shameful. Shameful.
There’s also so much judgment in our culture around STDs and STIs, safer sex practices, different relationship designs, and what we should or should not be open to sexually or romantically. The things we feel shame around are the hardest to share, especially with the people we most want to like and desire us.
Whatever your status, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of.
By honestly sharing your sexual truth, lovers who resonate with you will feel safer and come closer. People who don’t will be able to make informed choices, and you’ll avoid a lot of hurt feelings, disappointment, and misunderstanding.
I’ll be straight with you — not everyone is going to be into your share, and that’s actually a great thing. If you get to discover — with your clothes on and before exchanging fluids — that this person isn’t down for open, honest, vulnerable communication, you have just dodged a bullet, my friend. That may be disappointing at the moment, but if they’re uncomfortable talking about things like testing and desires, just imagine the difficulty with potentially more complex conversations down the road.
You might also discover in the process of your share that this person is a great communicator, but that you have very different health statuses, risk tolerances, levels of intoxication, relationship desires, or expectations for what intimacy means. This is great information, too!
The purpose of sharing isn’t to tell this person exactly what you want so that they give it to you, it’s to know where you’re both at and what you both need, and to be able to make informed choices and negotiation from there. Given this information, you get to decide what you ARE a “yes” to with this person, at this moment.
There are so many stops on the bus route of sex, and YOU get to choose where you want to get off.
WHEN TO START A S.H.A.R.E.
I advise starting your share while your clothes are still on. Think of it more like a couch conversation than a bedroom conversation. By the time you’re naked it can be easy for things to “just happen,” and you want to create a thoughtful pause well before third base.
Some people will want to have a share after making out for a while and when things feel like they’re about to transition to more intimacy, and some people might want to have the conversation before heavy kissing if they have concerns around HSV-1 (oral herpes.) It’s up to you to decide which sexy things are free and open to the public, and which require the price of sharing information.
You can start by saying something like, “I’m getting really turned on, and before things go any farther, I’d love to share some things with you.”
As much as possible, keep the mood light, playful, and sexy by reminding yourself that:
I have nothing to be ashamed of.
This person wants to know what I want and need. It’s an act of kindness to inform them about that and to give them information to make their own choices.
This is going to make whatever happens later WAY hotter.
WHAT IS A S.H.A.R.E.?
S.H.A.R.E. is an acronym and mnemonic device for remembering the steps to a pre-intimacy check-in. It stands for:
SH — Sexual Health
A — Availability
R — Relationship status
E — Expectations
It’s best for one person to go through all five parts of their share, and then switch and let the other person do their whole share, rather than switching back and forth with each section.
If you’re the listener, give the sharer your full attention without interrupting. It’s vulnerable to have this conversation and to go first, and this person deserves your presence. Know that your turn is coming soon if you have anything you’re burning to say.
SEXUAL HEALTH
Begin by sharing the date of the last time you were tested, what you were tested for, and what the results of those tests were. Be mindful not to use language like “clean” for a negative test result, which can be stigmatizing. Instead say, “the results were negative.”
If any results came back positive, remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of. STDs and STIs are incredibly easy to transmit and incredibly common, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. We spread colds and touches of the flu to each other all the time, and we don’t attach any moral significance.
Then share any risky behavior you’ve engaged in since you were last tested, meaning any form of unprotected sex where fluids were exchanged. Since many STDs and STIs can be transmitted through saliva and vaginal fluid as well as semen and pre-cum, this included oral and anal sex, not just vaginal penetration, where no barriers were used.
Sharing all this may seem a little extreme because most people are engaging in some form of unprotected sex, even if we’re taking measures to prevent pregnancy. If you are, remember that again, there’s no shame in that, but having this conversation upfront allows you and your partner to decide what level of risk you’re comfortable with, and what precautions you want to take together.
Also, knowing that I have an agreement with myself to share any risky behaviors I engage in with future partners has motivated me to put more consideration into the risks I take, and to get tested more often, so that I have less to share.
AVAILABILITY
There are two parts to this section. The first is: “Is there anything that’s currently impacting my availability to be present?” Share if you’ve consumed any drugs or alcohol recently — what type of substance, when, and how much? This allows the other person to have a better sense if you’re fully aware of what’s happening and if you’re able to give consent.
Your availability can also be impacted by things like feeling really tired, being stressed, distracted, or emotionally distraught. These might seem less significant than being under the influence of drugs or alcohol, but even if they might not impact our ability to give consent, they can have a huge impact on our ability to be fully present and in pleasure.
Sharing this could sound like, “I had two beers tonight, one at 7 and then one an hour ago. I’m feeling a little tired from work, but otherwise pretty present,” or “I haven’t had any substances tonight, but I just had to put my dog down and I’m feeling really tender and grieving.”
The second part is to address what you’re available for on a physical level. That might be sexual acts that you’re open to, curious about, or have a boundary around, like “I’m open to wherever this wants to go,” or “I’d love to peel off your clothes and lick the insides of your thighs” or “I’m open to being with each other’s bodies with our mouths and hands, but I have a boundary around penetration,” or “I want to keep my underwear on.”
This might also include sharing physical limitations of your body like, “I have a knee injury, so it’s hard for me to kneel, but I’m good sitting or standing,” or “I have to wake up in time for work, so I need to be asleep no later than midnight.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS
The next section is to share your relationship status: are you in a relationship? If so, what are the agreements? Are you dating or sleeping with other people? What kinds of relationships are you open to right now?
This is an area where people can feel a lot of guilt, and assume a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy by default, because our culture values — even demands — monogamy and sexual fidelity. If these are your values, your potential partner’s relationship status is important to know out of the gate. But increasingly people are departing from the default relationship template and creating their own relationship agreements, and we shouldn’t make assumptions.
This might sound something like, “I recently ended a long relationship and am just looking to date right now. I have two other partners that I see pretty regularly,” or “I’m in an open relationship and our agreement is that we can have sex with other people when we go out of town, but I’m not available to get into another relationship,” or “I’m single and not really dating anyone else right now. I know I want to have kids in the next few years, and I’m really looking for a committed life partner.”
EXPECTATIONS
Now, share your expectations of what it means to you to deepen to a new level of physical intimacy. This could sound like, “It’s really important to me to stay friends even if we add a sexual connection,” or “I’m just looking for sexual connection, and I’m not available to give a lot of communication in between.”
This also includes what kind of aftercare you’d like to expect to receive. This might be physical or emotional, and could sound like, “It would feel really good to me if you called me in the next three days and checked on me,” or “I prefer to sleep alone in my own bed myself tonight, but I’d love you to text me letting me know that you got home safe.”
This part may feel especially foreign to share, but unspoken expectations are often where we make the biggest assumptions and are recipes for disappointment. Knowing what you expect and what your potential partner expects for this to go well can alleviate so much conflict and hurt feelings down the road.
POSSIBLE OUTCOMES OF A SHARE
I’ll repeat — the purpose of a share isn’t to decide if you’re a “yes” or “no” to this person, it’s to help to discern what you’re a “yes” or “no” TO with this person. Our culture positions penetration as the pinnacle of sexual activity, and even as an inevitability when we begin to get physically intimate. In truth, in the rush to penetration, we can lose so much of the nuance that’s possible in connection.
Sharing pauses the build-up and slows down the momentum of sexual engagement, and that’s a good thing. Just because you kiss someone, or go home with them, or even take off your clothes and get into someone’s bed, doesn’t obligate you to have sex with them, or do anything that you’re not a full “yes” to.
And when you are a full “yes”, you get to fully enjoy the experience knowing that the other person is a full “yes.” You’ve already established a dynamic of clear and open communication and sharing what you both want and need.
The truth is, talking about sex creates more opportunities for intensity and passion. The communities having the wildest, kinkiest sex have been having explicit conversations around safety, health, desires, needs, and boundaries beforehand for years. This conversation creates a container where spontaneity, turn-on, and play can emerge from a place of mutual agreement and understanding, rather than guessing and winging it.
Contrary to what our culture tells us, there is no such thing as casual sex. This doesn’t mean that it’s not possible to have a really satisfying physical connection with someone without desiring a romantic partnership. It means that where there’s the possibility to create life, impact physical health, create powerful life-altering emotions, and impact relational dynamics, we should proceed with reverence and respect.
