There is nothing more terrifying than discussing sexual health with a new partner, or discussing what you like or don’t like with any partner. American culture creates so much shame around sex that most people would rather risk pregnancy, infection, their emotional safety, and physical enjoyment in order to not talk about it.

This is all too common, but talking about our sexual health-- and perhaps even more importantly, what we desire and need to feel safe around sex-- can be simple, straightforward, and surprisingly fun and sexy.

If I could recommend just one relational tool, it would be three simple words, and they’re not “I love you.” Expressing our affection is important, but really loving someone requires the heavy lifting of self-awareness, personal accountability, and clear, direct communication.

This tool is my go-to anytime I’m feeling tension or anxiety around something upcoming and is the first exercise I use with almost all my clients because it’s so simple, easy to remember, and useful for an array of circumstances where you need to get on the same page with someone. It also works with almost any kind of relationship-- friends, colleagues, family, children, and romantic and sexual partners.

It’s called Desires, Fears, and Boundaries, or DFB.