Desires, Fears, and Boundaries
Hello, and welcome to the blog! This is where I share tips and tools to help you have deeper, more authentic communication, more self-awareness and compassion, and more connected and satisfying sex. Let’s dive in!
If I could recommend just one relational tool, it would be three simple words, and they’re not “I love you.” Expressing our affection is important, but really loving someone requires the heavy lifting of self-awareness, personal accountability, and clear, direct communication.
This tool is my go-to anytime I’m feeling tension or anxiety around something upcoming and is the first exercise I use with almost all my clients because it’s so simple, easy to remember, and useful for an array of circumstances where you need to get on the same page with someone. It also works with almost any kind of relationship-- friends, colleagues, family, children, and romantic and sexual partners.
It’s called Desires, Fears, and Boundaries, or DFB.
In theory, its extremely simple— person one shares desires, then fears, then boundaries, switch to person two and repeat— but don’t let the simplicity fool you. This ingenious conversation can nip so much conflict in the bud, and create deep unity and understanding when navigating stressful situations. It also takes vulnerability, self-awareness, courage, and practice to master.
If I’m feeling stress, worry, or anxiety about something that involves another person, it’s often a sign that I need clarity around something. Since clarity comes from engagement, not from thinking, it’s really helpful to have a DFB.
You can ask for a DFB by reaching out to the other person and saying something like, “Hey, I’m feeling some stress around _____, can we have a conversation to get clear about it?” or even just, “Can we talk more about ____?” If they agree, you can say, “There’s a framework I just learned called Desires, Fears, and Boundaries, would you be open to trying it? I can model it first.”
In certain circumstances, it can be helpful to set a timer to keep sharing and listening equal and to set a boundaries around how long to spend processing, but you can also just let it flow.
If you’re sharing first, begin by tuning into your heart and asking yourself, “What do I desire from this situation?” We rarely ask ourselves this questions, and it can be profound. Let yourself envision your ideal, dream scenario and include both what you desire to happen, and how you desire to FEEL. It helps to share personal desires, but also your desires for and with that person. For example, “I desire for us to have a baby together,” or “I desire for us to go to my friend’s birthday party this weekend, and to feel really connected to you,” or “I desire for this project to be completed on deadline, and for the process to feel easeful.”
After you share, the listener can reflect back what they heard you say, making sure they understood you correctly and haven’t missed something important. This can sound like, “What I’m hearing you say is that you want us to feel connected at the party this weekend.” If they’ve missed something or more information about the desire comes through, you can add it. “Yes, and for you to meet my friends. That feels important to me.”
When the desires feel complete, you can move on the fears. Tune into your body and ask yourself, ““What do I fear from this situation?” It’s normal for there to be more fears than desires, because as a society we tend to have more practice listening to our fears. Often, our fear is that things won’t happen as we desire, and can be about ourselves, the other person, or things beyond anyone’s control. They might sound like, “I’m afraid it’s too expensive to have a kid and we’ll never be able to afford it,” or “I’m afraid we’ll get to the party and you’ll want to leave before I do.”
After sharing your fears, pause to give the listener reflect what you shared back in their own words. It doesn’t have to be verbatim, but it lets you both know that they heard and understand you. For example,”I”m hearing that you’re afraid we’ll never be able to have a baby because it’s too expensive.”
Once your fears are heard, reflect on what actions could care for your desires and fears, and those are your boundaries. Many of us aren’t modeled healthy boundary setting when we’re young, so this step can feel foreign and challenging. It can be helpful to think of boundaries as requests that will ensure that your desires happen and your fears don’t. It’s you proactively problem-solving for how to meet your needs, without expecting the other person to mind read what you need. Suggesting a boundary in the context of a DFB could look like, “If we want to have a baby in two years, my boundary is that we start saving 10% percentage of our paycheck now,” or “I’m going to need us to take two separate cars to the party, or to coordinate my own ride home,” or “I suggest we have a daily check-in on the status of the project until it’s complete.”
After the first person shares their boundaries and the second person mirrors them back, it’s time to switch roles. If you used a timer, make sure the second person gets the same amount of time as the first person, and repeat the process. Often, it takes a few rounds to complete a DFB as one person’s shares often bring up new D’s, F’s, and B’s, and there can be some negotiation. For example, “I’m afraid that saving 10% of our paycheck won’t leave enough for our expenses, but I can see saving 5%,” or “I’d love to have daily check-ins, and I’m afraid I don’t know the software we’re using well enough and I’d like to request more training on it as well.”
Sharing desires, fears, and boundaries can be really fun and sexy, and it’s also extremely vulnerable, and most people aren’t accustomed to this level of self-awareness or honesty. Some people will find this conversation exhilarating, and some may find it laborious, but it’s never easy if we’re really digging down to the bedrock of our truth.
If you’re sharing and the vulnerability feels intense, be gentle with yourself, and feel free to name that this is challenging to talk about. It’s scary to share when we don’t know how something will be received and it’s an extremely brave act, and a muscle worth strengthening.
And as a listener, it can be triggering to receive someone’s desires, fears, or boundaries. As you listen, you may need to remind yourself that hearing and even celebrating someone’s desires doesn’t obligate you to fulfill them, that you’re not responsible for their fears, and that no matter what the other person is sharing, you’re a good person who is just trying their best.
In either role, know that like all things, this conversation gets easier and more efficient with practice. For small, neutral things, your DFB can happen in under five minutes while you’re in the car. And making time to DFB regularly about things on the horizon or the state of your relationship goes a long way to head off conflict before it even happens.
